True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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