Heybabeimwearingurpanties
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
