Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
