if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
