I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
