So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
