That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair