he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain