I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
