Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I am morally bankrupt
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
