Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
