Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
