she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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