She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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