I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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