Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
