I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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