I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
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My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
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Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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