you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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