Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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