guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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