you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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