My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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