i need an iv and a liver transplant
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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