if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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