So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
