Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
