This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
These tits shall not be calmed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
