i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I am midnight drunk by noon
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
