If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
