Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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