My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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