Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
