All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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