He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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