My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
