mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?