my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
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I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
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Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?