I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
