a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?