Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
