remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
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Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
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You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.