drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
