I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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