I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
