Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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