You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
