Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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