I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
