Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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