And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
