My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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