His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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