What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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