Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
