If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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