i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
