Someone shit on the floor
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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