Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
