Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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