hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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