Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
