I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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