i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
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You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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