I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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